A bit down under

Umm, yes another interesting evening. Kind of opted out of DIY for some R&R. Even that was a saga. ‘Bloody hell’ where’s the cork screw! I mean all I wanted was a nice quite evo with a glass (or four) of nice, lovely, juicy red wine (Only £7 for two at your local BP Garage, I couldn’t bring myself to raid Robin’s reserves ‘yet’) but what I got was a shower of crimson stain as I forced the cork into the bottle. I must sound like a complete wining Muppet (believe me I’m not) but nothing is ever straightforward in this life. May be that’s why I long for the next, though in some ways that’s what I love about this one, it’s so unpredictable, exciting, risky, dangerous, addictive (Debbie I miss you x) **** I’ve just knocked the bottle over, (no lie) I’m dead Ahh, (5 mins of frantic cleaning) Why do I feel that was slightly predictable? I mean if I knew it was going to happen I wouldn’t of planted it on the floor (on a make shift caster, post-it note mind) Yet I sense ‘de ja vo’ (I’m dreadful at English so don’t expect correct French). I’ve done a bloody good job of cleaning the cream carpet if I say so myself, though I may have to delete this line as it’s kind of a smoking gun. Anyway this wine is bloody good (still got another bottle though I’m actually struggling to see the screen as it is). I tried to call my ‘Boo’ this morning but no joy, and as the postcard hasn’t materialised yet I thought I’d cheer myself up with some Aussie thoughts.

Ok for starters if Australia is so great why are all the Aussies working in Bars over here? Let’s look at the facts:

* ‘ALCOHOL!‘- It has been reported that the first European settlers in Australia drank more alcohol per head of population than any other community in the history of mankind.
*Sir John Robertson, five times premier of New South Wales, drank a pint of rum every morning for 35 years. Later said 'none of the men who have left footprints in this country have been cold water men.
* In 1954, Bob Hawke was immortalised by the Guinness Book of Records for sculling 2.5 pints of beer in 11 seconds. Bob later became the Prime Minister of Australia.
*Australia is the smallest, flattest, and ‘DRIEST! ‘, inhabited continent in the world. It is the only country, which is also a whole continent. (Umm I’m seeing a theme. It’s suddenly dawned on me why Debbie’s such a fan (tong in cheek… or neck in rope!).

I’m not being funny but why is it that everything that moves in Australia is a killer?

*The male platypus has a poisonous spine that can kill a dog and inflict immense pain on a human.
* The box jellyfish is considered the world's most venomous marine creature. The box jellyfish has killed more people in Australia than stonefish, sharks and crocodiles (stingrays :( poor Steve) combined. R>*The Sydney Funnel web spider is considered the world's most deadly spider. It is the only spider that has killed people in less than 2 hours. Its fangs are powerful enough to bite through gloves and fingernails (Debbie once said she had a Redback in the shower, apparently this doesn't mean that the water was too hot, but that she narrowly escaped being killed by a deadly spider).
The Fierce Snake or Inland Taipan has the most toxic venom of any snake. Maximum yield recorded (for one bite) is 110mg. That would probably be enough to kill over 100 people or 250,000 mice, (and we moan about daddy-long-legs and the odd rain cloud).

Mind you it does have it's upside, people are so pre-occupied with avoiding the wildlife that crime is 400% lower than in the US. Or is that more down to CANNABIS?

*Cannabis arrests- In 1999, 46,000 Australians were arrested for possession or use of Cannabis.
*Cannabis use - It is estimated that 50% of Australians aged 14-19 are active users of Cannabis.
*Cannabis industry - The sale of illegal cannabis industry constitutes 1 percent of Australia's GDP and is twice the size of the Australian wine industry.

There’s defiantly a bit of course and effect going on here:

* Swimming - In 1838 it was declared illegal to swim at public beaches during the day! This law was enforced until 1902.
Dawn Fraser is the only athlete to ever win gold in the same event at three consecutive Olympics. At the 1964 Olympics, Dawn Fraser marched in the opening ceremony and wore a custom made swimsuit. For these breaches of protocol, the Australian Swimming Federation banned her from competition for ten years (a bit harsh one thinks).
Susie Maroney is a swimmer who from time to time feels inclined to swim long distances - such as Cuba to Florida (yeh, cos she can’t swim in Aus even though there’s 36,735km of coastline and if she did she’d get skewered, stung or eaten, and if she survived that they’d through her in jail!).

I mean if 70% of the population choose to live in the 10 largest cities, then it's safe to prosume they must be the best bits those cities are:
(only 1% are of Aboriginal descent, probably because most of them came to there senses long ago and buggered off to pastures green)

Sydney - Australia's first and largest city. Also known as Sin City. Wanted to be Capital of Australia but its convict stigma counted against it.
Melbourne - Wanted to be the Capital of Australia on the basis that it was the home to the Australian establishment and was not founded by Convicts. (Founded by John Batman; son of a Convict)
Canberra - Because Sydney and Melbourne kept bickering over which city should be the capital of Australia, it was decided that neither of them would be capital and instead, a new capital would be built in the middle of them both (I like that logic).
Hobart - Australia's second oldest city. The too-frequent visits by French explorers concerned the British authorities and in 1803 it was decided that a colony should be established on the island to secure British territorial claims. Convicts were then sent.
Newcastle - Newcastle's coal deposits were discovered by a party hunting escaped Convicts. Sydney's difficult Convicts were then sent to Newcastle to mine the coal. Known as an egalitarian city where miners and winemakers share a beer or a fine drop.
Adelaide - Claim to fame is that it is a City that has lots of Churches. Adelaide is the Capital of the only Australian state never to have received Convicts. Is universally recognised as a hole (they must of miss spelt whole).
Perth - The last Australian state to receive convicts. It has been said most of them now work in parliament or business.
Brisbane - In 1824, a southern state governor sent a party of difficult Convicts to found a new settlement in Queensland. These days, southern state children send their difficult parents to Queensland to retire. Also a Mecca for Southern State teenagers, who upon finishing school, l head north for a week of booze and debauchery (sounds like the new Bournmouth).

Yeh, yeh I'm well awear that I’m jealous my Fiancée is scooting around the four corners of the glob while I’m stuck here bashing incoherent gobbledegook into a keyboard, but it passes time and heck my glass suddenly feels half full... O' it is…